patrick: reunited
My laptop is back early!
For some reason, instead of 2-day shipping it back to Best Buy, and then Best buy calling me a day later to pick it up, the people who fixed it shipped it directly to me overnight!
I didn’t end up losing any data and I got a new LCD screen!
I’m pretty stoked. I don’t even know what to do with it. I’m still sitting here typing on my desktop, with my laptop sitting next to me, on, in screensaver mode.
patrick: free
Schools OUT for the summer! (you have to sing it…)
I took two finals on Friday, finishing my semester up (i think) really well.
The only low point was getting chewed out by one of my professors because I am not an “undivided attention” kind of person.
We had a guest speaker during our last class meeting on Thursday night. He is from Korea, and it earning his doctorate this month.
For starters, I caused problems because I tend to keep myself busy with a handful of different things during these long night classes. I don’t focus completely on taking notes, but instead flip through several different books, notebooks, or web pages while I’m listening. I play with my rubik’s cube. I take notes about other things on my mind.
But I still pay attention.
I was never formally tested for ADD, but I had several psych students in college practice their testing skills on me, and I’ve taken several online tests that are supposed to be pretty accurate.
All of these tests agree that there is a 99% chance that I have ADD.
Couple that with a somewhat chaotic life situation and a THREE HOUR CLASS, and you will have a kid fidgeting in the back the entire time.
Now throw in a 150 IQ, and you have an extremely bored, fidgety, nervous, paranoid, genius sitting in the back who is not taking notes, remembers everything you said, and can solve a rubik’s cube in under a minute while you teach.
Hi! I’m Patrick.
Ok, so that’s the normal situation for me in that class, which has my professor extremely frustrated. Apparently, this frustration has been sitting with him for a few months. But he chose not to confront me about it when I had any chance of changing my appearance for him.
So this last class, we had a 70 year old Korean guy teaching. My laptop was gone, (read my last blog) and that was what usually kept me stable in these long classes.
I was doing everything I could to not scream in the middle of class just to get some energy out. But apparently my lack of interest in his topic was apparent to the professor.
On top of that, I had to leave early for an extremely important meeting, which was completely unavoidable. I waited as long as I possibly could to still make it to my meeting sometime near when I was supposed to, and quietly slipped out the back.
The next morning, I went to my professors office to pick up my exam, and he completely ripped me apart for not showing respect to this guest speaker. He informed me of how terribly rude it is in the eyes of a Korean for a student to leave while he is speaking. (like i’m supposed to know that.)
Then he told me how he always watched me in the back fidgeting, and looking at other things, and “not paying attention.”
I calmly apologized and told him I learn best when I keep my body moving. He said something about being understanding of learning styles…yada yada, but he “expects more out of a student of my caliber.”
Sadly enough, I haven’t written any notes in this class after the first 4 weeks, and I haven’t spent a minute of my time studying outside of class, and I have aced every exam he’s given us, and nailed every paper. Purely based on the course requirements, I’ve earned an A without trying. But I have this sneaking suspicion that he will drop my grade to a C because of “participation.” I actually contribute to what class discussion does take place whenever I deem it a valuable use of 20 people’s time. I even chimed in during the Korean guy’s presentation. (he couldn’t think of an english word, and I knew where he was going immediately…while looking up keyboards in my Sweetwater catalog…and reading over my presentation for my meeting.)
Objective grading can lick the bottom of my shoes.
But anyways, I’m free now. School’s out for the summer.
patrick: stripped
No, not that kind of stripped.
Yikes.
Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I had a meeting with my boss about my future at NHCC, which still looks bright, but it will still be a long time before I know for sure what is going on. The uncertainty coupled with an extreme lack of money has me uneasy.
Credit card balances are climbing, bills are stacking, and bank accounts are dwindling.
I had to make a trip to Ft. Wayne to drop off my guitar to have it worked on (minor problem). So I dropped that off into the hands of some guy I had never met at Sweetwater. It’s kind of odd knowing that some other dude has his grubby mitts all over my guitar. I don’t even let my wife touch it. (joking, joking…geez, you people!)
Also, my laptop has been giving me all sorts of problems. I was wise enough to (I mean, AMY was wise enough to MAKE ME….) buy the extended three year warranty on it, so it is covered.
All I have to do is drop it off at Best Buy and they give me their word that they’ll take care of my baby by saying: “we’ll see what we can do. I HOPE you backed up all your data. You never know what those techies will do!”
Oh so comforting.
I would rather lose my car than my laptop. No question. My laptop and I go everywhere together.
I should make a commercial for Hewlett-Packard that has me and my laptop running in a field, holding hands together, frolicking in the Autumn mist (scratch that last part, that’s Puff the magic dragon…)
But seriously, I spend somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 hours a day with my laptop.
I feel naked without my computer.
“Hey come on, Patrick,” you say, “it’s not that bad to spend a day or two without your laptop, is it?”
I asked the guy at Best Buy (M0R3 LIEK WURST BIE!!!1!one) how long I should expect this process to take.
His reply?
“Oh, it usually doesn’t take any longer than two or three WEEKS…”
“Weeks?!” I almost shouted at him.
“Yeah, usually no more than three weeks.”
You have to be kidding me. (I actually said that to him.)
I have to spend the rest of this semester, and the first few weeks of the summer without my laptop.
B
E
A
Utiful.
Luckily for me I had backed up most of my files that morning before I dropped it off.
I realized driving home that I did not back up any of my music.
Much of which I purchased online, and have no hard copy of.
I realized this morning that all of my passwords are saved on my computer. The random 20 year-old with a chip on his shoulder, who wants to be a hacker, who lives in his parents basement playing Pokemon all day, who splits his free time equally between eating Doritos and watching porn, THAT KID has access to my ebay account, this blog, my grades at the Seminary, my credit cards, my online banking, my email, my WoW account, and all of my personal files.
Scott called me last night and said “cheer up, man! I’ll take you out to play golf tomorrow morning, and we can forget about the whole thing.”
It rained harder today than I can remember it raining in a long time.
I’m a kid without Christmas, a stock broker with no blue chips, and a poker player holding Jack-three offsuit.
I poured myself a bowl of cereal today (half bowl…i’m out of cereal now).
There was no milk.
I’ve just had a flipping fantastic week!
How has yours been?
pause: Velvet Elvis
Velvit Elvis, the first major book release by Rob Bell (pastor of Mars Hill in Grand Rapids, famous for the NOOMA video series), took me two weeks to read.
That’s the longest I’ve ever taken to read a book this good.
I am pretty stingy with my book reading time. I don’t like to waste time reading rubbish that could be spent reading something worthwhile.
I also tend to read really fast. Again, I don’t want to waste any time.
But this book slowed me down. And that made me uncomfortable.
I bought the book over three weeks ago. I started reading it right away. And it took me this long.
After reading each chapter, I needed a break from changing myself, so I would wait a few days before starting the next one.
Understand me here: I pride myself on being a guy that already thinks outside the box quite well. But this book had me pushing my mental limits so far that I needed a break from it.
I would talk to people about the ideas that Rob presents. I bounced his thoughts off of all the the people in my life that I respect as influencers or very progressive thinkers.
I can’t say that I have agreed with all of his ideas presented in the book. Nothing stood out to me as completely untrue, and almost everything he said made me reflect on my own relationship with my creator.
This book changed my mind.
I know, I know, I can be somewhat of a sensationalist about certain ideas. It might be easy for anyone reading this to say “You sound just like…YOURSELF, Patrick; You are super excited about some idea, until there’s another one that you like.”
OK, you are right, I do get a little too excited. But that’s because most people don’t get excited enough about the good news of the gospel.
I am here to balance out you level-headed people.
I think we could all use a little Rob Bell inside of us.
But what is it ABOUT, Patrick?
Bell says “this book is for those who are fascinated with Jesus, but can’t do the standard christian package.”
He says “Velvet Elvis is about being caught up in this (Jesus) story so much that you are willing to give up everything to it and orient your entire life around it, because you can’t imagine anything better.”
I highly recommend this book. Please do yourself a favor and pick it up at your local Barnes and Noble or if you are especially in tune with jeebus, try a local chistian bookstore.
patrick: the insomniac part 3
I was up until sometime after 5am this morning.
This was the first time I was up very late in a few weeks now. I had been doing well.
I had a very busy day yesterday, and I could not get my head to slow down. I hate that.
The sad thing is that I had several situations that I wanted to blog about, but I was so tired of thinking that I just decided not to bother, that I would do it tomorrow.
Well, tomorrow is here, and I forget all the things I wanted to blog about.
I guess you will have to just make some things up in your head to replace the blogs I didn’t write.
Ok, imagine…um…imagine that I wanted to tell you about how I fought a dragon off to save a damsel in distress, but at the same time, I had to play the world’s coolest guitar solo.
Yeah, that’s what happened yesterday…
dream: inspector rice
So I was listening to Joe Rogan online. He was talking about how your brain produces this chemical called DMT (dimethyltriptamine) while you sleep that makes you have dreams.
DMT can be found in other sources on the earth, and it is said to be the most powerful hallucinogenic in the world and has pretty much no side effects for using it, as it is produced naturally already.
He talked about how he used this drug artificially (snorted it I think) and had the most intense psychedelic experience of his life, which is saying something considering he uses a lot of drugs. He said that he thought it was important to record himself talking about everything he experienced before he forgot.
I agree with him. Only, I’m not going to put some chemical into my body to make it happen. I’ll just fall asleep.
But I want to remember these dreams. So from time to time, you’ll get to read them too.
I dreamed that I was in this house, and I’m pretty sure it was haunted. The walls and doors kept changing. I was with some woman. We thought we were stuck forever. OH! It was Christina Aguilera’s house! I just remembered.
So anyways, we got out some side door without her noticing, but the woman I was with said she dropped her purse just inside the door, so I ran in to get it for her, and when I came back, she was gone, but another guy was standing there that was a friend.
So me and this guy jumped into my jeep and drove away, but there was this crowd of kids throwing rocks at my jeep while we drove.
We had to go find this girl. We ended up at lifeline, where i used to work, and picked up two other women along the way. Then we drove to some high school school in central indiana, and let ourselves in. When they realized we were from lifeline, they said “oh, you must be here to see ______ ______ “(i can’t tell you the name, it was a kid i used to work with at lifeline…HIPA violation if i use his name, i could do time…)
I haven’t seen this kid in like 2 years now, and even though he caused me more grief than almost any kid we ever had, I liked him. So I went and talked to him, and gave him my phone number and what not, and we were off.
We ended up in some weird neighborhood where there was people EVERYWHERE, and the two women i was with got out and went into a house. A few minutes later, the people in the neighborhood tried to kick me out, and I told them i wasn’t leaving with the women. So they showed me the women, and they were abducted. (Think LOST, on tv.) they took them because they were “important” for something, if that makes sense. Not because they wanted to hurt them or anything.
So I drove off to another school, this time a middle school. And my brother Aaron was there, but he was way younger than he is now. And he was skateboarding and running from someone (probably the same weird group that was making Christina Aguilera’s house try to capture me and the same group who took my two female companions).
He ended up doing insane skateboarding tricks to get away from them.
Then we were in the hall of the school skateboarding, and a friend of mine from church named Roger showed up. Roger didn’t believe that Aaron used those skateboarding tricks because they were too hard and apparently he used to skateboard too.
So we hi-jacked a school bus (because the school was trying to get us too) and drove it away to this huge hill. Aaron jumped out and sat down on his board and rode it straight down the hill and rammed it into some stairs, knocking himself out cold. That was his trick.
Everyone cheered. (yeah, suddenly the hill was crowded with people in chairs.)
Then, I saw Sawyer from lost watching us, but when he saw that I was looking, he ran away.
Then I woke up.
pause: Stranger than Fiction
This is the best film I’ve seen in years.
I’m not kidding.
I’m not exaggerating.
I don’t want to say much about the plot, because I want you to see it for what it is. Amy and I watched it without having much of a clue what we were in for. I didn’t even read the back of the dvd case, which is weird. I just watched it with an open mind.
And it captured me.
I don’t usually watch movies at home without doing something else while I’m watching it. But this time, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the screen. I even cuddled with Amy during the movie, which I don’t usually do. We mostly sit on opposite sides of the couch. (sad, I know.)
Anyways, do not miss this film.
patrick: painter of noise
I spent most of my morning and afternoon writing music.
It’s supposed to be a day off for me today, but I have a few things that I still need to do for work by tomorrow morning. I decided to spend most of my day making beautiful noise instead.
I’ll get my work done later.
Every few months, I make a wish list of all the music gear that I would use if I was a rich man (la da da da….you know, fiddler?) Sweetwater put out there new bible…ahem, uh…I mean catalog. So I made another list.
My list this time came in at just under $80,000. That would include a few new guitars, a few new keyboards, amps, pedals, software, microphones, headphones, drums, and various other accessories.
I realized that if I ever made it as a musician, I would be such a gearhead. Some musicians really just dig the traveling and the shows. Some get high on adrenaline while they play. Some really dig the songwriting. Some are studio musicians, and they really dig perfecting a particular riff. Some are worship leaders, and music is just a mode for them to lead people in worshiping the creator.
And some are gearheads.
Gearheads love the process. We love collecting. We love options.
Gearheads tend to make all kinds of music. I don’t have any intention of specializing as a musician. I don’t want to pigeonhole myself into one style or genre or audience.
I play worship music every week. I’m not sure if I’m a particularly good at leading people in worship, but I am sure that I am pretty good at playing worship music. I very much enjoy what I do, but I don’t want to do just that.
I spend a good portion of my week playing piano. I’ve always played with pianos but I’ve never been able to actually play one. So I started taking lessons this February.
I enjoy playing classical piano music. I enjoy writing it as well. But I will never pigeonhole my musical energy into classical piano.
I have played rock guitar for a long time. I started about 12 or 13 years ago. I love modern rock, but I don’t want to ever be stuck doing just that.
I love electronic music. I enjoy Thom Yorke’s music very much. I also like Massive Attack and Muse a ton. And I really dig trance/techno music. I write music that emulates these artists, and I love it. But I could never do just that.
I grew up a stone’s throw outside of Washington DC. Rap and hip-hop have been a big part of my life for a long time. I really enjoy the style, but I could never make it my whole life.
I like playing classical guitar as well, but I couldn’t do just that either.
I sang in a very good choir in high school. We performed at King’s Dominion, The White House, Disney World and many other big venues. We sang at the biggest churches in the DC area. We toured the midwest, mostly in Michigan. I love singing with a large group like that, but I couldn’t just stop there.
Music to me is always an expression of the beauty that the creator put inside of me.
My creator is very creative. (That makes sense, doesn’t it?) I find great satisfaction in emulating him. I can’t even imagine what music would sound like if God wrote it. If I had to guess, it would sound something like Claire de Lune. (not the best performance…it’s just a midi, and it’s a little too fast, but you get the point.)
I am a painter of noise.
What do you paint? How do you emulate your creator?
epiphany: releasing my anxiety
Epiphany- a sudden realization or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something.
I woke up this morning feeling different about my situation.
It suddenly hit me how I need to find my comfort only in God. All too often, I look for something physical to satisfy my desire for comfort. I look to sleep, or food, or a cigarette, or a comfy chair, or a new book, or a new shirt, or a beer, or something else to comfort me and satiate my discomfort.
But the truth is that none of those things will take away my pain or my discomfort or my anxiety. Only God can do that.
You see, I have to give up my pain to someone who actually has the power to handle it. I can’t just rely on my wife or a friend or a book or a smoke. None of those things can actually solve my problems
God has the power to solve all of my problems. He has the power to take away my anxiety. He can keep my heart still.
I’m done trying to juggle all of my problems. I can’t keep them all in the air. I’m dropping things left and right.
In a figurative sort of way, I’m going to just throw them all way up in the air, and let God worry about catching them.
Someone very wise told me this morning “when you don’t know what to do, do the next right thing.”
She also said “we don’t have total control over our lives.”
I need to remember this phrase: “I am open to the will of the divine.”
God’s will is going to unfold in my life. I am open to his will. The rest (is just details? no…) is just obedience!
I choose right now to just keep going. To keep doing the next right thing and to let his will unfold for my life. That’s all I can do, right?
patrick: the quitter
I quit my job at the bookstore today.
I lasted 6 hours.
Anyone ever worked a job less than that? I haven’t. I never even found out what my hourly wage was. I bet no one can say that they took a job, worked, and quit without ever finding out what they made.
It was just a part time deal anyways right? I don’t have to feel that bad about being a quitter, right?
A friend of mine gave me a hard time today because it takes a bit of work to hire a person, and with me quitting after just one week, I may have caused my employer, who I’ve known for years and I really like, some frustration.
I’m still in quite a funk, emotionally. I don’t think much of it has to do with this job, but I’m that’s part of it. What seems to really be bothering me is my life situation out here in Indiana. My job at the church is going well, but I am somehow just not getting satisfaction from it right now.
I’ve been waiting for some answers at my job for a long time now. They are in the process of deciding whether or not they are going to commit to hiring me full-time, long-term. My arrangement right now is temporary-ish.
The time to make the decision once and for all is upon us this month. If they decide not to keep us, we have until August to find new jobs, which will most likely mean that we will have to leave our town and all our friends.
Also, I’m in grad school here at Grace and if I leave I will not be able to finish my degree for a while. Which means that I will have to start paying back my student loans, which have almost doubled already after just one year of seminary.
So, the pressure is really on me right now to perform well for those who are making the decision to keep me or send me away.
But there’s a problem for me: I’ve spent the last year performing really well, and taking the ministries I’ve been involved in to entire new levels. I’ve taken our music ministry from bad to one of the best in town. I created a youth ministry from scratch, and I have two college students who are teaching curriculum that we are writing together. They are learning a ton about how to teach.
I have been heavily involved in the strategic planning of almost every change that has taken place in our church in the last 2 years, which has been a lot. I have assisted in designing sermon series, I have gotten a ton of college students plugged into meaningful ministries. I’ve helped write our children’s curriculum. I helped implement a first impressions team.
I have moved thousands of chairs and tables.
I spent over $4000 of my own money buying sound equipment and instruments to improve the quality of our sunday services.
I took a huge pay cut to come on staff at NHCC. I gave up more than 60% of my income because I want to see this church do significant things to impact our community.
I understand that even if I don’t stay at NHCC, I haven’t failed because I have already accomplished so much, and I have learned a lot.
But right now, I feel about 2 weeks away from complete breakdown. I am imagining that whenever the elders at NHCC get together to decide my fate, that nothing will go as planned and no one will appreciate my work, and they will send me packing, enjoying all the fruits of my labor and sacrifice.
I want to be clear about this: I have no right to feel this way.
I have received plenty of affirmation from all the right people at NHCC. They have treated me well. They seem optimistic about my future at NHCC.
But I have all these doubts inside of me telling me that I’m not going to be accepted here.
I think its just my usual insecurities all coming out because I’m nervous.
How do you get over insecurity? If anyone is an expert at that, leave me a comment and point me in the right direction.
