cerebral discharge

I can’t find a job.

I’ve been trying to find something that fits me perfectly for 2 years now. I knew that where I was at couldn’t be long term. I knew that I couldn’t afford to work for nothing at NHCC even though I’d never been happier in my life. I’ve set out over the last 18 months to find a ministry position that fit well, and I’ve failed horribly at doing so.

I blame Adam.

Let me explain. When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, EVERYTHING was awesome. They had it all. God literally WALKED beside them. They didn’t have to wonder if he existed. He TALKED to them directly. He gave them a colorful and beautiful world to explore and to rule over. He gave them the entire world’s supply of animals as pets. He gave them all of the coolest fruits and greens to eat (SO my style!) They had it all.

Then the whole slithering serpent situation came up and Adam screwed it up for the rest of us. First of all, he got chill in the best environment ever with a hot naked chick, and no SHAME! Without getting too graphic in your head, you’ve gotta admit that that would be pretty cool. That’s out the window. Thanks Adam.

Also, we ended up being punished. Child-bearing now sucks for the ladies. My wife and I have only had the chance to experience the first 7 weeks of it, and God has managed to make even the easy part suck for us. Thanks Adam.

Also, mankind has been cursed with WORK. I’ve been reflecting today how life’s not supposed to suck, and work’s not supposed to suck. But I find that hard to believe when I’m staring at spreadsheets all day, knowing that my perfect job is just 30 miles away and it’s probably out of my grasp. But God changed the world so that work would suck. THANKS ADAM.

I know I’m not the only Christian struggling with depression, right? I know some of you out there are doing everything you can to Get It Right, and Make God Proud, but you just can’t seem to shake whatever it is that is holding you down. I wish I understood it better. I feel like I SHOULD understand it better. After all, I’m most of the way through a Master’s Degree in church ministry, and I spent 4 years teaching teenagers how to climb out of whatever pit they were in.

I get close to quitting sometimes. I want to quit trying so hard, because I see a lot of people who aren’t trying nearly as hard as me that are getting by just fine with whatever job they’ve managed to put together. Some of my close friends are pursuing one life long dream of mine with their bands. Others are in full-time ministry at great churches where their skills fit perfectly and the vision and direction of the church is right in line with what they want. But I get close to quitting, because it doesn’t seem like I’ll ever get where I want to be. I’ll get close, for sure. I’ve interviewed for 14 different ministry jobs in the last 2 years. I’m 0-14 so far. I’ve got resumes out at 5 different churches right now. Only 1 has gotten back to me at all.

I always feel like I’m right on the edge of getting that dream position that I can work hard at the rest of my life. It’s always just one phone call away, but the call never comes. I have to wonder sometimes if God wants me to serve him at all, or if perhaps he just wants me to fill the role of Lesser Vessel for my few decades here on earth. I’ll certainly never quit trying to follow him, but I am so close to quitting my search for meaningful employment in full-time Christian ministry.

In my experience, the stuff I want most is the stuff that God won’t let me have. I can’t have kids, and I can’t have the job I want. God has managed to make pursuing Him REALLY PAINFUL, and I just can’t understand it sometimes. I always think back to the story of Job. Is it possible that God is just trying to prove something in some cosmic argument about what his followers will put up with? I know I’m not quitting on following him, so maybe he’s right, and I’ll be a good example of how low he can bring someone who is honestly trying his hardest.

Maybe he wants me to REALLY appreciate the job when he finally brings it my way, so he will reduce me to some semblance of what Job was like at his lowest, and then show me how rich his blessings are when I finally get what I’ve been toiling for all these years. Maybe.

I’m only 26 years old, so my experience is still pretty limited, but in my experience being Godly only pays off in the long term. Meaning eternity. I’m still unsure whether I’m going to continue holding out for anything to be sweet here on earth. So far, I’m still struggling, but I may not bother after a few more months.

My thoughts are now public. With my luck, this will be the reason that some church turns me down.

“We’re really shooting for someone who’s got his stuff together…You aren’t strong enough for the job”

I just paused to consider what it would feel like to regret clicking “publish” in this moment.

Oh well. If I’m not authentic, I’m nothing. I’m posting it.